Kill All the Lawyers

July 23rd, 2014 16 Comments

liberty kissing justice

The First Thing We Do, Let’s Kill All the Lawyers!

Dick the Butcher, Henry VI, Part II, Act IV, sc. ii

Quail hunting in Georgia many years ago, I ran into Mary Ann Mobley and her husband, the late Gary Collins. It’s been multiple decades now, so don’t hold me to getting all the facts absolutely right, but this, briefly, is the story they told me as I remember it.

They had a home in Beverly Hills. They went out to dinner one night and someone broke into the house. Their Doberman chased the burglar out of the house, across the lawn and over the wrought iron fence. Unfortunately for the burglar, in his fear he made a bad crossing of the fence and fell, impaling his leg on one of those little arrow-shaped points at the top of the fence. Said burglar was arrested, charged, and convicted, but he then turned around and sued Gary and Mary Ann, and the basis of his suit was that the injury he had received while trying to get over the fence was so severe that he would no longer be able to pursue his chosen occupation as a burglar.

I kid you not.

In keeping with this lunatics-running-the-asylum theme, I have decided to add a blog category to track some of the sleazier doings of that most sleazy of professions. (Well, I exaggerate: lawyers take second place to politicians when it comes to oily sleaze, but it’s a close second.) I will start with an item that caught my eye recently, and unless multiple news agencies are coordinating in a hoax, it’s absolute gospel fact.

Here is the story as reported by Natalie DiBlasio in USA Today (I have deleted the man’s name because such scum are not worthy of having their names recorded):

“After brutally beating a man with his Nike Jordan shoes, a pimp filed a $100 million lawsuit against Nike for not providing a warning label that their shoes could be used as a dangerous weapon.

In June, *************************, 26, of Portland, Ore., repeatedly stomped on the face of a client with his Jordan shoes when the man refused to pay [the pimp’s] prostitute. The man required stitches and plastic surgery after the beating, The Oregonian reports.

The newspaper reports that the jury also found [the pimp] guilty of robbing the man and beating the 18-year-old woman he forced to work as his prostitute; her injuries were so severe that she bled from her ears.

[The pimp], who is representing himself, is asking a Multnomah County judge to order Nike to put warning labels on all their “potentially dangerous Nike and Jordan merchandise.”

[The pimp] handwrote a three-page complaint from the Eastern Oregon Correctional Institution in Pendleton where he is incarcerated, the newspaper reports.

The complaint says that Nike “failed to warn of risk or to provide an adequate warning or instruction” that their shoes are a “potentially dangerous product.”

Two things make this worthy of being the lead blog in a sub-category of a small and insignificant website. First, because the pimp (who received a one-hundred year sentence for this and various other crimes) is representing himself, it provides us with a good comparative baseline for all lawyers. Second, it is worthy because according to several news sources, the suit is actually pending in front of a judge. Only in America.

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  1. Anonymous says:

    I used to have lawyers at the top of my list as well. However, they have been replaced with journalists.
    Whenever reporters stopped being reporters and became journalists, the world died a little.
    Reporters report. Journalists tell stories.

    but that’s a rant best saved for another time…

  2. Anonymous says:

    Sadly, this kind of dishonest CRAP is getting more and more common…..The only thing I like about lawyers are lawyer jokes–there are a zillion out there! Some of my favorites: Why, after a shipwreck, do sharks eat the lawyers last? Professional courtesy……What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the Hudson?(obviously a New York joke) A GOOD START……Fellow went to see a lawyer, in the office window was a sign- “Three Questions for $75”. He went in, saw the secretary, and was finally admitted into the lawyer’s office. “Is that true you charge $75 dollars just for 3 questions?” the feller asked.” Yes”, said the lawyer. “Don’t you think that’s kinda steep?” “Yes” said the lawyer, who then further replied “And what’s your third question?”…..I’ll wrap it up here with: What do a lawyer and a single human sperm cell have in common? They both have a one in a billion chance of becoming a human being…….L.B.

  3. Anonymous says:

    This a good one or bad one depending on your point of view. A Federal Appeals court decided that the government can not give subsidies to people who signed up in the federal exchange. An hour later another court decided that the government can give subsidies to people. Now, it will go to the Supreme Court.
    Now is everyone clear on this?

  4. Anonymous says:
    Liar, Liar Jim Carey’s character is a lawyer and this is the law firm. He is forced to tell the truth, but everyone thinks it is a roast.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Have you ever been called to Jury Duty, I have. The case that I was called for was this. Two teenage boys decided to steal a golf cart and go for a joy ride. In the process of that ride there was some kind of accident. Both boys were injured. One boy was the driver and the other boy the passenger. The parents of the boy who was the passenger were suing the parents of the boy who was the driver. The jury’s job was to decide if the boy who was the passenger was entitled to a monetary settlement for the boy’s injuries. I was never selected for the jury so I don’t know the outcome, but I can guess that the parents of the boy who was the passenger won and get a huge legal settlement.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Wait a minute. A man without a lawyer files a frivolous lawsuit and this is an example of bad lawyers? What this is an example of is that any idiot who can pay the filing fee can file anything he wants. That doesn’t mean he will get it. I’ll tell you what I hate is actors, because they are so full of themselves. As an example, there was this pimp who filed a frivolous lawsuit because he was acting like a lawyer. What terrible acting.

    • Anonymous says:

      Ha! Ha!, YOU MUST be a lawyer! Or married or otherwise dependent or related to one! What you say(about filing lawsuits) IS true, but if lawyers did not take up such cases on a regular basis, no one would be encouraged to file such ridiculous lawsuits in the first place. That bit about the pimp was funny, but I want to see the pimp’s performance before I can agree that was bad acting. Actually, it might have come quite naturally to a pimp! ….L.B.

    • Anonymous says:

      I think the judge will throw that lawsuit out. A large part of the problem is that if someone wants to sue a big corporation they won’t even have to pay lawyers fees unless they lose. Most corporations will settle out of court because they don’t want to spend the time or money it take for a trial. Also, they want to avoid bad publicity. Have you ever read some of the warnings on clothing or other items. Those warning are there because some fool tried to do that very thing. They sued and probably won too. For example this warning is actually on plastic grocery bags. Warning: To avoid danger of suffocation keep this plastic bag away from babies and children. One bag is said not to line a baby’s crib with the bag.
      I have read warning on household cleaners that said “This is not for human consumption.”

  7. Anonymous says:

    It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

    Ronald Reagan


  8. Anonymous says:

    Michael Reagan

    Democrats Have One-Party Rule in Calif.

    By Michael Reagan

    Government runs so much more smoothly under one-party rule.

    None of those messy legislative gridlocks or government shutdown threats are seen or heard. In Cuba and Venezuela the legislative body is like a factory — orders come in one end and laws come out the other.

    Editor’s Notes:

    Special: This Simple Forgotten Secret Makes Ordinary Americans Millions

    3 Signs Clogged Arteries Are Ruining Your Heart

    Believe it or now we have the same situation in California and we have the government results to prove it.

    Now to be fair, there is one difference. In Cuba or Venezuela the opposition, when it has the courage to raise its head, is intimidated, arrested or otherwise cowed into silence.

    In California when a Republican tries to make a difference, he finds his issue hijacked just like a tanker sailing by Somalia.

    But this time the pirates are the Democrats leading the California House and Senate. The Sacramento Bee’s Dan Walters has come up with a number of instances of piracy on the legislative seas and it makes for interesting reading.

    A year ago Assemblyman Eric Linder, R-Corona, introduced and passed a resolution paying tribute to Independence Day. This is one of the things about Republicans that Democrats find annoying: The GOP is always doing hokey things like honoring the founding fathers and waving Old Glory.

    This year the bill was hijacked by Assemblywoman Sharon Quirk-Silva, D-Fullerton, who reintroduced the exact same bill with only two changes.

    The bill number was changed and Linder was given no credit.

    Walters also brings up the case of Assemblyman Jeff Gorel, R-Camarillo, who “last year … introduced a bill for money to repair beaches in Port Hueneme. It made it through the Assembly, but Senate leaders blocked it, and Sen. Hannah-Beth Jackson, D-Santa Barbara, carried a similar measure to enactment.”

    Another Democrat member of this pirate crew had the gall to take a bill introduced by a veteran to help other veterans and make it his own. Assemblyman Steve Fox, D-Palmdale, a veteran of political infighting, took a bill from retired Marine Assemblyman Rocky Chavez, R-Oceanside, to help returning veterans make the adjustment to civilian life.

    The one thing all these high-handed acts had in common was the good idea from a Republican was seized and given to a vulnerable Democrat the leaders didn’t want defeated by another Republican in their home district.

    Unfortunately, in this instance repeated instance of legislative piracy there is no Captain Phillips or SEAL rescue team.

    Just business as usual in one-party California.

    Michael Reagan is the son of former President Ronald Reagan and chairman of the League of American Voters. His blog appears on

    More Links:

    Obamacare: It’s Here — Know Your Rights

    ALERT: This Little-Known Website Can Erase $100,000 of Debt

    Reagan Reports for America
    219 East Dunklin Street
    Jefferson City, MO 65101 USA

    • Anonymous says:

      Gosh, those dern trubblemakin’ Democrats in California sound a lot like them monkey-wrenching Ree-publicans in Washington D. C.! Don’t you folks REALIZE all this party rivalry in a distraction maneuver to keep the general public from realizing we iz REALLY bein’ controlled by the ALIENS? And I’m referring to the interplanetary ones, not those kids from Central America…..L.B.

      • Anonymous says:

        In honor of your conspiracy theories here is Weird Al’s video called ” Foil. ” If do not think it has nothing to do with that just wait unit the video gets to 1:18 minutes and you will see what I mean.

  9. Anonymous says:


    What are they good for? Not much other than some of the great jokes people come up with.

    TD Bauer

  10. Anonymous says:

    Dear Anonymous Actor-Hater,

    Terrible writing is a more heinous crime. AP Stylebook–get one at a bookseller near you.


    Anonymous Grammar-Defender

  11. Anonymous says:


    I am reminded of a case here in Oz, back when I was a university student at the campus where this occurred. It goes something like this…

    A young man was drinking with friends in the “Uni Bar”. The bar- person, seeing that the man was clearly intoxicated, refused to serve him any more alcohol. The young man, angered by the refusal, became belligerent and stood on a table, lost his balance and fell through a plate glass window down to the concrete below. The bar was on the second storey. The young man received spinal injuries and ended up paralysed from the waist down.

    The bar-person, the bar-owner and the university well found to be negligent for not stopping the man from climbing on the table and placing tables too close to the window and ordered to pay the young man several million dollars.

    I value human life…. But had he died, he would have been a prime candidate for a Darwin Award!
    Kathy W

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