The First Thing We Do, Let’s Kill All the Lawyers!
Dick the Butcher, Henry VI, Part II, Act IV, sc. ii
Quail hunting in Georgia many years ago, I ran into Mary Ann Mobley and her husband, the late Gary Collins. It’s been multiple decades now, so don’t hold me to getting all the facts absolutely right, but this, briefly, is the story they told me as I remember it.
They had a home in Beverly Hills. They went out to dinner one night and someone broke into the house. Their Doberman chased the burglar out of the house, across the lawn and over the wrought iron fence. Unfortunately for the burglar, in his fear he made a bad crossing of the fence and fell, impaling his leg on one of those little arrow-shaped points at the top of the fence. Said burglar was arrested, charged, and convicted, but he then turned around and sued Gary and Mary Ann, and the basis of his suit was that the injury he had received while trying to get over the fence was so severe that he would no longer be able to pursue his chosen occupation as a burglar.
I kid you not.
In keeping with this lunatics-running-the-asylum theme, I have decided to add a blog category to track some of the sleazier doings of that most sleazy of professions. (Well, I exaggerate: lawyers take second place to politicians when it comes to oily sleaze, but it’s a close second.) I will start with an item that caught my eye recently, and unless multiple news agencies are coordinating in a hoax, it’s absolute gospel fact.
Here is the story as reported by Natalie DiBlasio in USA Today (I have deleted the man’s name because such scum are not worthy of having their names recorded):
“After brutally beating a man with his Nike Jordan shoes, a pimp filed a $100 million lawsuit against Nike for not providing a warning label that their shoes could be used as a dangerous weapon.
In June, *************************, 26, of Portland, Ore., repeatedly stomped on the face of a client with his Jordan shoes when the man refused to pay [the pimp’s] prostitute. The man required stitches and plastic surgery after the beating, The Oregonian reports.
The newspaper reports that the jury also found [the pimp] guilty of robbing the man and beating the 18-year-old woman he forced to work as his prostitute; her injuries were so severe that she bled from her ears.
[The pimp], who is representing himself, is asking a Multnomah County judge to order Nike to put warning labels on all their “potentially dangerous Nike and Jordan merchandise.”
[The pimp] handwrote a three-page complaint from the Eastern Oregon Correctional Institution in Pendleton where he is incarcerated, the newspaper reports.
The complaint says that Nike “failed to warn of risk or to provide an adequate warning or instruction” that their shoes are a “potentially dangerous product.”
Two things make this worthy of being the lead blog in a sub-category of a small and insignificant website. First, because the pimp (who received a one-hundred year sentence for this and various other crimes) is representing himself, it provides us with a good comparative baseline for all lawyers. Second, it is worthy because according to several news sources, the suit is actually pending in front of a judge. Only in America.