Fine Dying

September 13th, 2015 32 Comments

 

Grim Reaper

I got a little crazy the other night.

I was exhausted and had a headache and all I wanted was to watch some boxing or some great old movie on television, but there was nothing, absolutely nothing, I wanted to watch. And then a curious thing happened. Scrolling through the two-hundred some channels of the kind of mind-numbing moronic pabulum George Orwell warned us all about, I found myself gravitating to various reality television networks showing severely dysfunctional people, families, and businesses as entertainment. And suddenly it hit me: Create your own network! I realized I had a prime opportunity to make myself a bazillionaire if only I could come up with a topic guaranteed to be of interest to large numbers of people, and then create mindless and tasteless television shows around that topic. And what topic could possibly be of more interest to more people than death?

What follows is my official and confidential prospectus. I will be establishing a PayPal account for those of you who wish to get in on the ground floor and invest in this guaranteed money-maker.

 

Note: the following prospectus is confidential. Reading it implies a tacit agreement of confidentiality.

 

 

Introducing:

The Fine Dying Network

 

At Last!

A television network guaranteed to be of “significant interest” (according to a Joseph G. MacGruder & Associates, Inc. nationwide poll) to virtually 100% of potential viewers!

 

At Last!

A television network that harnesses the fascination and curiosity of over 306 million people!

(Based on current population estimates by the US Census Bureau, but with a worldwide potential viewing audience of billions!)

 

At Last!

A television network that offers viewers of all ages entertaining and informational programming focusing on one of the most fascinating and compelling interest areas of 92% of potential viewing respondents – Death! (Source: Joseph G. MacGruder & Associates, Inc. polling services)

 

At Last!

A television network with 24-hour programming focused on all aspects of Death and Death-related events:

 

Potential Shows:

Marking Time! – a lighthearted romp through headstones and mausoleums around the world, focusing on different areas of interest: elaborate family resting places; witty and amusing epitaphs; unusual designs and materials; the above-ground graveyards of New Orleans; the catacombs of Paris, Rome, the Vatican City, and many, many more!

Ah, Sweet Mystery of Death! – a serious look at how different cultures around the world face Death and treat the dying, an informative but entertaining look at the end of the road.

The Comforting Ritual! – funeral services and rituals throughout history; in different countries and different cultures; how different religions and cultures bury, burn, or otherwise dispose of their dead. Informative and educational!

A Live Eye For the Dead Guy! – expert advice on how to portray the image you want of yourself for the last time – for eternity! What to wear, hair styles, how to coordinate your clothes with your casket, makeup tips, and so much more!

Where to Rest? – An insider’s guide to the toniest and most exclusive cemeteries in America.

Suicide, Getting It Right the First Time! – informational programming geared for those states with assisted-suicide laws, but with interest and information for all viewers.

Caskets On A Dime! – practical, down-to-earth advice on how and where to buy an affordable casket, for yourself or a loved one! Covering the whole range of economic options from CostCo and other big-box chains to private mortuaries with reasonable prices. A program designed to help you make those practical decisions balancing need and want.

Caskets To Die For! (sister program) – Where to find the most expensive, the most gaudy, the most egregious, the most luxurious, the most pretentious, the caskets that will make your neighbors die of envy!

Final Resting Places of the Rich and Famous! – a worldwide tour of famous grave sites, from Marilyn Monroe to Al Capone, from Napoleon to Elizabeth the Great, from King Tut to Mumtaz (“Taj”) Mahal, visit all your favorites in the comfort and privacy of your own home!

Whither? – A panel of experts from all major denominations will discuss where we go in the next life and how to prepare for that destination.

The Iron Mortician! – competitive embalming, with morticians racing each other and the clock, the results to be judged by a panel of experts and at least one celebrity (to be named)!

The Iron Surgeon! – competitive, last-ditch-last-hope surgeries on terminally-ill patients, with celebrity surgeons competing against themselves and the clock and, above all, with Death himself! (Patients who do not survive will be eligible for appearance on The Iron Mortician.)

And much, much more – 24-hours a day of entertainment and information on the many diverse aspects of the topic that affects all of us! High-stakes competition, re-enactments of famous deaths, funniest home videos, all of it hosted by celebrities, top models, internationally recognized sports figures, and famous experts in their field.

 

 

The Fine Dying Network will:

Create the first national entertainment brand focused on Death and the Funeral Industry.

Target virtually everyone! 100% of the general population identified themselves as being likely to die.

Of those, out of 105 million households, over 60% expressed a very high interest in death, and an additional 36% expressed some interest!

The demographics of those expressing interest in The Fine Dying Network are representative of the general national population.

Respondents had very clear emotional reasons for their interest in watching:

*Make them smarter about a topic of interest

*Be entertaining and fun to watch

*Be great family viewing

*Be inspirational

Respondents see this channel as solid “infotainment”!

Has unlimited economic possibilities! (The funeral services industry alone has a direct economic impact of over $150 billion!

Has direct appeal for the families, heirs, and survivors of the approximately 2.5 million people who die every year in America alone!

Research shows that every household in America either has experienced or expects to experience a death at some point in the future, indicating a significant potential for attracting a large number of paying viewers.

 

Our Programming Strategy:

Our network is designed to appeal not only to the millions of Americans who are dying, but to the entire population, because, let’s face it, we all gotta go!

The programming is assembled to include a balanced view of Death.

By keeping the daily programming predictable and consistent, we can ensure the content provides value to each individual.

 

Your Involvement:

If interested we will forward a NDA (non-disclosure agreement) and upon its receipt we will mail you your own PowerPoint Presentation.

We look forward to hearing from you about this once in a lifetime (you should pardon the expression) investment opportunity before it’s too late!

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  1. Anonymous says:

    You know, it just might be crazy enough to work!! 🙂

  2. Anonymous says:

    Hello JP,

    oh my…. how can one be so money-grubbing 😉 …?
    Have you ever heard it might be better to consult your pillow first 😉 ????
    You know what frightens me most? I’m afraid it could work…..
    Well, I wish you all success in the world but…
    if I could ask a favor of you…. please go on trying to become rich by publishing books but…but…
    this time you really managed to dumbfound me. Congratulations 🙂

    Best wishes
    NW

  3. Anonymous says:

    This is why I follow your page. You are just great! I think you have something here.

  4. Anonymous says:

    I hate to tell you this, but there are already TV shows like the ones you described.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Sounds perfect for Halloween.

  6. Anonymous says:

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0248654/

    Six feet Under. Yes, this was a television show. It is over now, but you can still find it on TV.

  7. Anonymous says:

    https://youtu.be/frWH6ZCJtyM

    Opening sequence of Six feet Under.

  8. Anonymous says:

    http://www.koco.com/national/calif-lawmakers-approve-assistedsuicide-bill/35241600

    I don’t know if you realize this, but California just passed an assisted suicide bill.

  9. Anonymous says:

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3098942/

    This is also a real TV show. Time of Death.

  10. Anonymous says:

    WARNING:

    Heavy sarcasm could be present in this post!!!!

    NW 😉

  11. Anonymous says:

    This made me wonder how we ever got buy when I was a kid. Back then there was no cable TV. No one had a home computer and internet did not exist. There were no VCR or VCR players or any other equipment that could play endless amounts of TV shows or movies. We had ABC, NBC, and CBS. If you wanted any other channels you had to have a UHF antenna. This antenna looked like a horseshoe. With you could get local stations which were awful. We could get PBS, channel 62 and channel 20. Some times we would get channel 9 from Windsor, Canada.
    During the summertime my mother would tell us to go outside and play. We spent all day outside. Even in winter you could spend some time out side. You would never dare say “I am bored” because if you did you were given an unpleasant chore to do like clean the bathroom. Plus, our TV was in the family room and my father controlled the TV. What ever he watched we watched and if you didn’t like it you were free to go to your bedroom. The only exceptions would be Saturday mornings when we would watch cartoon shows like Bugs Bunny.
    Saturday afternoons were reserved for my father who would watch baseball or football. If there were no sports on then we would watch old horror movies.

  12. Anonymous says:

    https://youtu.be/sOnqjkJTMaA

    Thriller by Michele Jackson

  13. Anonymous says:

    Hi JP,
    Are you sure you didn’t get a headache from Darlene hitting you in the head…. very creative and entertaining – definitely mad me laugh after a long day.
    Jaimee

  14. Anonymous says:

    But will they all be naked? And afraid?

  15. Anonymous says:

    Have you considered a career as a cable television program director? The networks are clearly in need of your ideas.

    Unfortunately I could no longer take the vast wasteland which is modern cable tv or justify the cost so cut my cord. Besides, over-the-air I can even watch a certain 1980’s series about two brothers in San Diego 5 days a week (COZI channel)–since I haven’t seen those since then it is like seeing them all over again.

    I do miss TCM though as that is about the only channel worth watching regularly.

    I just noticed through my library I can get a copy of White Dog to watch. I’ve never seen that and have heard interesting things about it. Bring back any memories for you?

    Keep the ideas coming. Maybe there is a book about modern television in there!

  16. Anonymous says:

    We got rid of cable, and use Internet streaming sites such as Netflix and Amazon to watch quality programming. I recommend these shows to watch from Netflix:
    *House of Cards
    *Bloodline
    *Narcos (which follows the rise and fall of Colombian kingpin Pablo Escobar)
    *The Walking Dead – the first 4 seasons (talk about death-the zombie apocalypse)
    Programs to see from Amazon:
    *Fear the Walking Dead
    *The Walking Dead – season 5/season 6 starts October 11
    *The Man in the High Castle (the story is an alternate history of the world in which the Axis powers won World War II). I hope you enjoy looking for quality programming you want to watch.

  17. Anonymous says:

    I agree with several of the comments above, it would probably be a hit.

  18. Anonymous says:

    Les chaînes de télévision sont de plus en plus nombreuses et les programmes sont très souvent violents !!!! Lorsqu’il y a des enfants chez moi, je n’allume pas la TV ou s’ils le désirent je leur mets un dessin animé. Même lors des informations, des images de ce qui se passent dans le monde sont montrées et sont choquantes.
    Lorsque j’étais jeune, il y avait un avertissement (un rectangle blanc) qui indiquait que les enfants ne devaient pas regarder. Dès que ce rectangle apparaissait à l’écran, mes parents obligeaient mon frère et moi, de nous retourner. C’est bien différent maintenant….
    Si je ne dors pas la nuit et que j’allume la TV, je zappe, je zappe, je zappe…… jusqu’à je trouve un reportage sur les voyages ou la nature. Avec un peu de chance, j’arrive à me rendormir….
    Anita

  19. Anonymous says:

    OK, so info on that PayPal account, please?

  20. Anonymous says:

    Actually, that sounds like a good idea for a book.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Hi Jameson,

    I honestly found it hard to believe you gave in and watched reality tv. You really were desperate for something to view on tv. 🙂

    Your ideas for some reality show though does sound more interesting than the stuff I have heard tell of from various friends and family that they have watched.

    I found myself wondering if you were being for real about this or just funny sarcastic.
    It did give me a bit of a smile.

    Nancy Darlene

    It

  22. Anonymous says:

    Hi JP thank God you missed the Honey Boo Boo moments!! This family is the ideal rednecks if i ever saw one pardon the expression. The couple had kids and the youngest one was in all these beauty pageants , I do believe she was on Toddlers and Tiaras but not sure. She was “cute” and “sassy” until they cancelled her show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo! Her parents broke up and her mother was going with a child molester !! How crazy is the public to watch stuff like this?! Also 19 kids and counting was another one that was way too squeeky clean. Based on a mom and dad who were a religious family and at first it was amazing to see how they managed 19 kids. I give the mom credit. However it leaked out that one of the brothers molested a sister or two. They just sent him off to get therapy in their church group. Todays tv reminds me of the Dion Quintuplets. The Ontario Quintuplets were the media’s bread and butter during their day. I feel that todays programming has receded back to that curiosity .

    Tena French Halifax, NS Canada

  23. Anonymous says:

    I also remember when the TV stations signed off for the night. They would show the American flag and play the national anthem.

  24. Anonymous says:

    Many find ideas!

    I think the only reality TV I watch is the news and America’s Got Talent.

    TD Bauer
    Wisconsin

  25. Anonymous says:

    http://www.cbsnews.com/news/cemetery-tours-monuments-to-die-for/

    Cemetery tours of the rich and famous. I am not sure if I should laugh at this or not.

  26. Anonymous says:

    I am totally creeped out now.

  27. Anonymous says:

    Under the harvest moon,
    When the soft silver
    Drips shimmering
    Over the garden nights,
    Death, the gray mocker,
    Comes and whispers to you
    As a beautiful friend
    Who remembers.

    – Carl Sandburg, “Under the Harvest Moon”

  28. Anonymous says:

    How very Irish of you.

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