Africa and Golden Joys

April 5th, 2017 22 Comments

I received an email here, on this website, offering me an unparalleled opportunity. I post it here, unabridged and uncorrected, with my responses in italic font.

 

From Sandra Elizabeth David

Abidjan. Cote d’Ivoire,

West Africa.

 

Hello Dearest.

I always respond favorably to endearments, especially from unknown women.

I deep it a respect and humble submission, I beg to state the following few lines for your kind consideration, I hope you will spare some of your valuable minutes to read the following appeal with sympathetic mind. I must confess that it is with great hopes, joy and enthusiasm that I write you this email which I know and believe by faith that it must surely find you in good condition of health.

Well, thank you, Sandra Elizabeth. We oldsters just love yammering on about our health, and guys like me who used to be pretty athletic really love going on at length about what tough SOB’s we are. So, after three years of various issues and surgeries to fix said issues—all of them caused by a horse wreck that you can read about right here on my website under the heading, “Fistfuls of Balloons”—I’m at last doing pretty well health-wise. Heart pumps, bowels churn, kidneys distill, and following pretty extensive spinal surgery that left me with the bottom four inches of my spine made out of titanium, I’m even back to walking my dogs and trying to regain some muscle in the gym. By golly, Sandra Elizabeth, if and when you come stateside, I’ll have to show you some of my scars. I probably have more than anyone in your neck of the woods who doesn’t actually still participate in ritual scarification, if they still do that sort of thing in your country.

My name is Sandra Elizabeth I am the only child of my late parents Chief. David Joseph. My father was a highly reputable business magnet who operated in the capital of Ivory Coast during his days.

You can probably forget the part about ritual scarification: I doubt highly reputable business magnets do that sort of thing, being too busy snapping together when their ends touch, or getting stuck to pieces of metal all over the place. By the way, I’ve forgotten what the capitol of the Ivory Coast is. Do tell. Would that be Abidjan?

It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad through his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of mine who travelled with him at that time. But God knows the truth! My mother died when I was just 6yrs old, and since then my father took me so special.

Wow. That’s a shame, Sandra Elizabeth. You sound sort of like a female version of Hamlet. Not the part about your mom, of course, Hamlet’s mom being alive and well in the play, as I’m sure you remember, but evil uncles and dead dads just litter the stage in “Hamlet.”

Before the death of my father, he called me and informed me that he has the sum of Three Million, Six Hundred thousand Euro. (€3,600,000.00) he deposited in a private Bank here in Abidjan Cote D’Ivoire.. He told me that he deposited the money in my name, and also gave me all the necessary legal documents regarding to this deposit with the Bank,

Cool! You’re all set, girl! Even in these troubled and uncertain inflationary times, 3,600,000.00 Euros ain’t to be sneezed at. You know, it’s just amazing how many young people just like yourself are the only children of wealthy Chiefs back in your part of Africa. When I say, “your part,” I’m speaking of course in general and broad—geographically speaking—terms, since most of them used to be in Nigeria, but if you take “your part” to mean West Africa generally, you really can’t swing a dead cat there without hitting a wealthy young orphan.

I am just 22 years old and a university undergraduate and really don’t know what to do. Now I want an honest and GOD fearing partner overseas who I can transfer this money with his assistance and after the transaction I will come and reside permanently in your country till such a time that it will be convenient for me to return back home if I so desire. This is because I have suffered a lot of setbacks as a result of incessant political crisis here in Ivory Coast.

Of course you do! When I was a 22-year-old university undergraduate, I too was dumb enough to reach out to total strangers in my search for an honest and God-fearing partner. And I’ll bet you do indeed have a lot of incessant political crises back there in the Ivory Coast, what with evil uncles running around all over the place and all. The problem is the “reside permanently” in my country part. See, we have a new president, Donald J. Trump, and he is making difficult for people to immigrate into the United States, even innocent young 22-year-olds with 3,600,000.00 Euros. (By the way, what business was your dad engaged in that earned him so much moola? I ask because writing doesn’t pay the way it used to, and I’m thinking of maybe dipping into some kind of business venture, anything to put beans and rice on the kitchen table. That’s a joke, Sandra Elizabeth. I’m really hoping to put some fat, juicy sirloins on the table, along with a bottle or two of a really good Zinfandel, since I’m an all-American kind of honest and God-fearing type.)  

The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life. I also want to invest the fund under your care because I am ignorant of business world. I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in these regards. Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. What percentage of the total amount in question will you take after the fund has being transferred to your account and I come over to meet you?

Well, I just bet the death of your father brought sorrow to your life! You’d be an unnatural kind of daughter if it didn’t, a sort of Goneril or Regen (to switch Shakespearean tragedies), and I’m sure an innocent and wealthy young girl such as yourself couldn’t possibly be a grasping, conniving, grifter trying to scam old fogies like me. The problem is that this old fogey is also pretty ignorant of the business world, and any assistance I gave you would, by definition, be very humble indeed. I doubt my suggestions and ideas would be highly regarded, even by a girl as young and innocent and wealthy as you are. As to what percentage of 3,600,000.00 Euros I would take, I would have say that’s an awfully tempting offer, almost irresistible, and I can resist anything except temptation. But since my business acumen is so feeble, indeed practically non-existent, I would have to give that percentage thing some thought. Though, 100% sounds awfully good to me.

Please, consider this and get back to me as soon as possible. Immediately I confirm your willingness, I will send to you my Picture and also inform you more details involved in this matter.

I just can’t hardly wait to see your picture! But the internet is so impersonal, and on-line photographs are so easily photo-shopped, so why don’t you send a hard copy—and the details you mentioned—to me at:

Jameson Parker

c/o FBI: Internet Fraud Division

11000 Wilshire Blvd.

Suite 1700

Los Angeles, CA 90024

 

Kind Regards,

All kinds of regards to you too, Sandra Elizabeth

Sandra Elizabeth David

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  1. Anonymous says:

    Jameson,

    Your response had me cracking up in places. 🙂
    What won’t some people think of to try to pull their scams.
    Nancy Darlene

  2. Anonymous says:

    PS I have been hoping you’ll have another book out soon or are at least working on one.
    Nancy Darlene

  3. Anonymous says:

    Well Done JP, Well Done!!!!

  4. Anonymous says:

    Seems to me “she” (I guess I’m sexist, but the odds are it is really a “he”) should focus “her” energies on writing and finding a publisher since “she” sure can spin a tale.

    Unfortunately email has just made it way too easy to contact millions of potential “marks,” and it doesn’t take very many suckers to make the enterprise profitable. Especially since email is for all intents and purposes essentially free compared to generating actual postal mail.

    Isn’t it fascinating how scam artists can rely on the fundamental human flaw of greed, the power of fear and the usually noble human characteristic called sympathy.

    Sadly there will be many taken in by this email….(sorry JP, but she didn’t just send it to you)

    • Anonymous says:

      “She” probably is some hacker dude living in his parents basement.

      • Anonymous says:

        I’m skeptical it is a hacker. For one it requires some skill to be a hacker and none (technical at least) to generate scam emails.

  5. Anonymous says:

    I think you missed out on a golden opportunity. The magnets alone were worth the investment.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Jameson,
    Being the first to respond I do hope you will share at least 1 million with me. Thank you for the consideration.

  7. Anonymous says:

    I enjoyed your post. An email I received told me I was the sole heir to a fortune. All I had to do was supply them $1000.00 in bank admin fees and my bank account number. The money would then be transferred.

    I’m still waiting.

    PS. I’m pretty sure I don’t know anyone from Nigeria, although I did spend three days in Djabouti on the way to the Persoan Gulf. Perhaps a chance meeting?

    • Anonymous says:

      I trust you didn’t provide your bank account info. If you had your account would have been over-drafted.

      Tell them to take the fees out of the fortune instead….. :-O

  8. Anonymous says:

    I remember when this anti-scam site was circulating around by e-mail: http://www.419eater.com

    I just hit delete when those types of e-mails arrive, but apparently some folks have a bit of fun with them.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Jameson,
    That was hilarious. Thanks for the chuckle. It is sad that people actually fall for these scams.
    Nancy Ontario Canada

  10. Anonymous says:

    Hilarious.

    As I write this I have 1,041 unread emails in my inbox. I usually trash any and all from unknown sources. I don’t usually have time/inclination to sift through spam for entertainment, but perhaps I am missing the opportunity of a lifetime. I wonder if the Princess Sandra Elizabeth swings both ways and would consider also a female God fearing partner? Is she one of those progressive Christian thinkers? For a sizeable share of Three Million, Six Hundred thousand Euro … I could think about it.

    If anyone wonders who would actually fall for this … Sadly, I have a client with an IQ of 82 – not low enough to meet the criteria for help from the Department of Developmental Disabilities (that would be 79, we checked into it), and not high enough to be able to successfully navigate the con artists in the world. Some telephone scammer got them for $500 with a promise of depositing $5,000. I didn’t find out about it until after the fact. They appear to be more wary now, but for those at the poverty line, it takes a long time to come back from a $500 loss. The spam reads like a bad telenovela, but the sickening truth is, these kinds of scams prey on the most vulnerable amongst us.

    Michele

    • And that, Michele, is why I love poking fun at these predators. The great Mel Brooks (“The Producers,” “Blazing Saddles,” “Young Frankenstein,” many others) once dismissed criticism of “The Producers” (criticism predicated on the fact–the shocking fact!–that he was Jewish and his movie was peripherally about Nazis) by pointing out that the best way to remove credibility from any evil was to make fun of it, to mock it. I doubt I have any readers who might be taken in by such a moronic scam, but it never hurts to make evil look ridiculous. And of course, there’s always the outside chance that it’s the real deal and I might end up with a million Euros…
      JP

      • Anonymous says:

        Yes, and thank you for giving me that to consider. Sometimes I get too fatigued or angry to poke fun. In the words of Mel Brooks, May da Schwartz be wit you, JP.

        Michele

    • Anonymous says:

      I am fascinated by the psychology of the “scam.” It seems ALL scams rely on more than ignorance or a lack of intelligence, though of course that is essential.

      Fear and greed seem to always be at play coupled with naive trust of the scammer.

      Fear is usually a fear of loss of the money waiting for them, but there are also those which rely on fear of punishment (IRS for example).

      Greed is the “get rich quick” element.

      The lottery is also a scam for most that relies on poor people plinking lots of money down on tickets because they are convinced they will win.

      • Anonymous says:

        For some, yes, but from a sociological perspective we have to consider the role of class. I would predict that most people who read this blog likely have at least middle class means and an adequate education. Fear & greed may very well be primary motivating factors for this class. We tend to then extrapolate using this frame. If you live at the poverty level, and you may be disabled in addition, neither fear nor greed are the primary motivating factors, but rather desperation and survival. The victim I cited above is not currently homeless, but has been in the past. Even some homeless people have bank accounts, and if they do not have the insight to determine a scam, the hope of getting off the streets can be a strong motivator to take a chance on something that sounds too good to be true.
        Michele

  11. Anonymous says:

    If you believe this there is a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you. Just think of all of the money you could make on charging toll fees to unsuspecting tourist. You would make a fortune.

  12. Anonymous says:

    Laughing My A$$ Off!

    Thank you.

  13. Anonymous says:

    After reading THAT, I am determined to clean my plate tonight, for sure. I wouldn’t want to be wasting food with all the starving frauds in Africa……L.B.

  14. Anonymous says:

    I think people need to be aware of another scam that happens this time of the year. People will get call or emails from scammers claiming that they are from the IRS. Then the scammers will tell the people that they owe back taxes and that if they don’t pay they will go to jail. Please be aware that the IRS does not call people on the phone and they don’t send people emails.

  15. Anonymous says:

    So….did they wire the funds yet?

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