The whole point of a blog, or at least the whole point of this blog, is to draw the world’s attention to one’s creative genius so that the world will buy countless millions of copies of one’s books, some of which will be made into blockbuster movies starring Brad and Angelina, thereby making one so ridiculously, indecently rich that one can fly around in one’s private jet and become an arrogant asshole and snub all one’s old friends and refer to oneself as “One.” And folks, I’m happy to report I seem to be making a start. I’ve had a job offer! It’s just a small start, I admit that, and it isn’t precisely what I had in mind for myself, but Shakespeare and Dan Brown and all those guys didn’t immediately leap from skid row to Beverly Hills. I’m willing to work my way up.
I received the following email (Okay, there was no personalized heading, no salutation, no signature, and the email was addressed to Parker Jameson, which means they might have me confused with Parker Stevenson—two blond, waspy, preppy guys, both of whom starred in TV shows in the eighties about brothers who were private detectives—I don’t understand why they can’t keep us straight) but still:
Position : Anywhere in the USA This activity is P/T and implies domestic labor. About the company : We work with the capital investments , online handling of payments and financial administration markets for a while. Our team is the leader in this sector. Mainly we cooperate with customers from Europe and our main office is located in London, UK . Private citizens, companies and big corporations, who put trust in us because of our top grade services and individual attention to every client, are among our clients. They place confidence in us since our aim is getting the best results possible. We work in several business sectors and we are always looking for talented , skilled , unindifferent and goal-oriented applicants to work with us . Currently our plans include developing our business activities to Canada, North and South America in the near future . This is exactly the reason why we need more people. This is our proposal : Your major task will be rendering assistance to our finance division . You will perform financial and administrative operations and receive transactions from our customers. This is a part-time job which can be performed at home. You will only have to work approximately 15-20 hours a week. You will be processing payments received from our customers, and ensuring that all transactions are conducted in a timely manner . Also, your usual responsibility will include answering e-mails, incoming calls and submitting reports . Our requirements : – data input skills ; – Confident PC user (Windows, Word, Excel); – Speak and write English properly ; – attentive and self-organized; – Ability to work under pressure and settle any problems; – Clean criminal record . You will be offered as follows: – High Income; – Different bonus payments – Flextime; – Online educational courses are provided by our support center . We can guarantee that this job is a brilliant chance to change your life for better due to a good income and working conditions that we assure to our staff. Don’t wait , provide us your application today! If you are not interested, simply email us at the following email address : Be sure to get our reply within the next two days.
Dear Un-Named Person,
What an exciting opportunity! I really, really like the way you think! High Income? Count me in. Part-time? You betcha. Bonus payments? Whoo-boy! And Online educational courses? What an amazing coincidence! I was actually thinking about taking some online courses. UC Berkley is offering a course on Existentialism in Film and Literature that sounded really cool, and Oxford University is offering a course entitled, “A Romp Through Ethics for Complete Beginners” which might be good for both of us. You focus on the ethics part and I’ll zero in on the romp, with its vaguely amorous Elizabethan overtones. (“And for that same sweet sin of lechery, I would say as the Friar said: a young man and a young woman in a green arbor on a May morning, if God do not forgive it, I would.”)
Unfortunately, I do have some issues that would need to be cleared up before we negotiate my high income.
First, it is highly unlikely you can improve my working conditions. My commute consists of walking down the hall from the kitchen to my office with a mug of coffee in my hand. It would be hard to improve on that.
Next, your use of the words “domestic labor” makes me a little nervous. It sounds much too much like “domestic goddess.” What do you mean by “domestic labor?” I’m a little too old to start wearing a frilly French maid’s outfit.
And all that stuff about capital investments and financial administration. Are you kidding? I can’t even balance my damn checkbook.
I wouldn’t exactly describe myself as a “confident PC user.” My computer is named She Who Must Be Obeyed and I generally approach her with fear and reverence and a rosary in my hand, and even then she frequently causes me pain and suffering and a good dose of humiliation when the repair guy charges me fifty bucks for plugging in some damned cable that’s come loose.
Speak and write English properly? I’m your man. Attentive and self-organized? You bet. Ability to work under pressure and settle any problems? Uh, what kinds of problems might you be anticipating? If large guys with broken noses start showing up at my door, what the hell do you expect me to do about it? And what exactly do you mean by “settle?” It sounds a little like the sort of thing Michael Corleone might do.
A clean criminal record? Well. How do you define “clean?” How clean? How far back? After all, everyone has had some little youthful indiscretion or other.
But I’m sure we can work out these little details, so why don’t you just start sending me those large checks, and maybe even a bonus as a gesture of goodwill.
Parker Jameson Stevenson Weatherby George Dupree (but you can call me Sam)