Notification of Policy Changes

September 30th, 2012 10 Comments

Boy, when I become Supreme and Exalted Lord High Dictator for Life of the Entire Universe, there are gonna be some changes around this joint.

 

Don’t worry, my adoring subjects, I will not curtail any of your freedoms. It is my conviction that only free people are happy people, and I want you to be happy, so I will not ban anything: freedom of expression, guns, books, music, art, religion, nothing.

 

However, there are some things I do not like—plastic grocery bags and Mylar balloons stuck in the brush on trails where I like to ride, for example—so I will implement new laws to deal with these issues. As soon as I take the throne (and when I say throne, I don’t mean something ostentatious and made out of gold or anything like that; think Eames chair, with maybe a built-in holder for my beer) the law will be changed to the death penalty for littering. Unfortunately, that means if little Johnny lets his Mylar balloon get away from him, there will be an immediate execution. Sorry, but the law is the law.

 

Now I know some of you may think is just a touch draconian, but look on the bright side. Why, I bet the learning curve will be so fast that I won’t have to execute more than a few tens of thousands of people globally before the word gets out that I’m serious about this thing, and as soon as people understand there really are consequences (make that Consequences) for breaking my laws, by golly, I’ll bet there won’t be anymore problems with any kind of crime. And the world will be a better and safer place. And I won’t have to pick up any (expletive deleted) plastic bags and Mylar ballons.

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  1. Anonymous says:

    Il faut respecter la nature !!!!! c’est tellement agréable de se promener sans rencontrer de détritus……….. mais maintenant, ça n’existe pratiquement plus.

    J’habite une ville au Nord de la France et malheureusement nous trouvons toujours des détritus sur les trottoirs. La Ville est obligée de payer des employés pour ramasser toutes ces choses, alors qu’il suffit d’avoir un peu de courage et d’aller jusqu’à la poubelle !!!!!!

    Même chose lorsque l’on sort de la ville. Des sacs plastiques, des bouteilles de toutes sortes, etc……

    Même si je suis une personne toute simple, j’ai su apprendre à mes enfants à respecter cette nature si belle et eux-mêmes l’ont appris à leurs enfants. L’un des premiers mots d’un de mes petits-fils (2 ans) a été “poubelle”…….

    Si tout le monde pouvait faire la même chose, notre monde serait bien plus beau !!!!!

  2. Anonymous says:

    Oups……… j’ai oublié de signer mon texte

    Anita (France)

  3. Anonymous says:

    Mr. Parker, I may climb your throne in front of you?
    I agree with you. Plastic bags, etc. have no place in the beautiful nature. Bad.
    Outside my window is a large tree that has not yet quite lost its leaves, but it will not take long, because the winter is coming. When the wind has blown away the leaves but, then again there is an ugly dark blue plastic bag come to light, like last year and the year before. The tree is much too high and I can not climb like a monkey. And the bag hanging high up in the treetops. What should I do? What should I do? What? …

    So if I may enter the throne described, including beer, in front of you, then I would punish those responsible, the throw away the plastic garbage carelessly. There will be no punishment, as by this measure, I think, are these people respect nature more and they also perceive time properly (I hope) and it would eliminate a lot of plastic in nature. A) The criminals wander a year over the country, and collect piece by piece to the garbage or B) these people paddling on the sea and do something good to rid the ocean of plastic.
    But it is indeed your throne!

    Good day
    PP (Germany)
    Shame on me for my bad english.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Dear SELHDLEU,

    Thank you for your promise of Freedoms and I support your Magnificent Consequences, whole heartedly. Will you be having a suggestion box where we minions can humbly place suggestions of similar offences which could be swiftly dealt with (swearing in public, driving dangerously etc.)? And will there be …appreciative gifts to those who dob on said offenders? And does this void the Freedoms Gift? Merely asking, your Supremeness.

    Just a suggestion, but I wouldn’t put a cup holder on an Eames chair, it might over balance. But you could have a flunky stand next to you with your beer on a silver/gold platter or Royal Doulton would look nice…a crossing of styles…all the rage these days..

    Always eager to assist and grovel,

    Delphine

  5. Anonymous says:

    Those damn balloons! I find them everywhere, even in the remotest stretches of the forest where I live! We had to hurry and get them up as fast as possible at a farm I worked at once to keep animals from eating the dang things and getting a terminal blockage! No doubt some wild critters meet their end doing that, too….. When you become Grand Poo-Bah Emperor of the Planet, J. P.(unless I have already taken that position–I also have LOTS of plans for such a promotion….)–I would like to be captain of your execution committee! But if narry happens along those lines, I’ve decided on a humbler, but similar activity. I’m saving it for my doterage–retirees need to have a good hobby, you know! If I live that long….. I’ve decided to search out those places where people dump things in remote areas of the countryside(old mattresses and refrigerators and couches and the like), and set up an easy chair in the nearby brush, with a good book or two, and a big thermos of coffee, and a shotgun, and just WAIT—days or weeks if I have to, until somebody comes along to dump something—-BLAM! BLAM!–tack a note on the carcass stating that “Tha Dummp Killr Haz Dunn Struk Agin”(I think a measure of illiteracy suits such an activity), and proceed to go and find yet another dump! Plenty of them for sure! Impossible for the cops to cover them all! And after a coupla dozen victims, the word will finally get out, and make folks think twict about dumping in the countryside! Now isn’t that a constructive and useful hobby for an old retired man to have?……L.B.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Mr. Parker I share this entry. If we don’t take care of Mother Nature who will? Discarding things like balloons and plastic bags doesn’t mean that they are gone they stay in our environment for years..decades. All to often we find these things discarded among beauty of nature. Its sad to think that its not kids who are doing it but grown adults!

    We need to take ownership for Mother Nature!!

    Tena French Halifax, NS Canada

  7. Anonymous says:

    Oh … a touchy subject for me personally. Sometimes I think I’m over what happened but that’s not true. That you will never forget, you have to find a way to process it. (Although it is not comparable with what happened JP)
    I try to reply to this topic “cautious”.
    A few years ago I had a bad riding accident. Debt was a, carelessly tossed into the woods, plastic bag. I was and has always been aware that horses are prey animals. But you always hope that it is not one yet. I rode with a young horse through the woods. My husband accompanied me with an experienced horse, so it must be. Everything was okay. Until the moment, when our horses by the roadside blew the plastic bag before the legs.The horse of my husband remained calm. My horse is frightened, turned and I lost my footing, and much of the saddle. But I had “luck”, “only” a dislocated shoulder and a concussion.
    But then I had a long time problem with me and the horses.There was only one word for it: fear. This fear was always there in the coming months when I rode. Often I have come only for a few yards, then came the fear, the tears and I and I climbed out of the saddle and walked.I was disappointed in myself. I wanted to give up everything. My beloved horses for sale in good hands.I wanted to run away but it did not help me.Believe me it was not an easy time. Only by a dear friend and my husband, who always had patience with me, I did it again to ride without fear.
    I was also angry at the person who threw away the plastic bag. Such people do not think about what could happen. They do not care that nature is inferior or animals may be injured. I am worried that there are more such people who do not care. George Adamson (British animal rights) once said: “In those who created the world is debatable. What is certain is who will destroy them. ”

    I am very happy that I did it but it was a long way. Many tears, self-doubt, fear. Dispute between me and the people I love. Each comforting word was sometimes too much. To see the horses, but to make the decision to give them up? They were not the culprits ….

    Debt was a stupid plastic bag that someone has thrown in the woods …..

    Sorry but now I’ve written a little bit longer.

    Manuela

  8. Anonymous says:

    I wrote a mistake;-) horses are not prey animals
    They are flight animals, I hope the English word for it is now the right?

    @Tena You’re absolutely right. It often the adults are doing.

    Children learn from adults …

    Manuela

  9. Anonymous says:

    Careful, now, O’ Exalted, Barley-Malted, One. Before you guillotine little Johnny (or petite Sabine), ponder the fact that the remote locations of these balloons suggests that they were carried here from afar and probably not brought into the wilderness by happy campers (plastic bags too have been observed to float over great distances). Kids might have released the balloons, but good luck finding out their location or identity.

    Also, doubt if it was a Fu-Go type attack by wicked nature-haters, partying in the cities west/upwind of where the balloons were found.

    Solution: Semi-arbitrary world human population culling (as you’ll never catch the real bandits). Or meditation, and contemplation over the fact that if you pick up a balloon or bag here or there the scenery does improve- even if you do it over and over and over and over again. If that’s considered hooey then there’s always cussing and punching-bag sessions for the Dictator of Not-So-Much of the Entire Universe.

    RA

  10. Anonymous says:

    What about people who toss the cigarettes and ash that has accumulated in their car ash trays in parking lots instead of taking it home to dispose of properly. Or during a drive in the country, you spot that fast food sack in the ditch that someone has tossed out their car window.

    There is a nice city park where I live that we call Falls Park. The Big Sioux River flows through it. One day I was out taking photographs and found a spot at the bottom of the falls where many many plastic pop bottles were washed up on the rocks and couldn’t go any further. It would have probably taken a net to scoop them up.

    It is not just plastic bags and balloons…

    Beverly

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