I’ve done it! I’ve come up with a sure-fire can’t-fail way to earn millions. Millions? Pah! Billions.
I was trying to do two things at once last night, watch the news and barbeque pork chops, and I swear, this is what happened:
I started the barbeque as soon as I came up from the barn. Then I came in the house and turned the television on to watch the local news. A commercial was running. I washed my hands and sat at the counter and talked to Darleen as she seasoned the pork chops. Just as the commercials ended and the news began, she handed me the plate of chops and said they were ready to go on the grill. Took the plate, went outside, put the chops on the grill, came back inside. That was all. There was another commercial running. I sat at the counter and talked to Darleen, and just when I realized it was time to go turn the chops, the news came back on. I hurried outside, turned the chops and adjusted flame. I swear that’s all I did, but by the time I got back inside… Another commercial. Talked to Darleen. Had another beer. As I stood up to go get the chops, the news came on. Hurried outside, put the chops on the plate, turned off the grill quickly and perfunctorily brushed the rack and hurried back inside. Another commercial.
So I have decided to start the All Commercial Channel (ACC). ACC will be devoted to twenty-four hours a day of non-stop, programming free, continuously running commercials, so that you and your family can enjoy mindless entertainment without being constantly interrupted by thought-provoking programs. Stressed out by all those reports of women and children being butchered in various parts of the world? Switch to ACC! Tired of the constant litany of lies coming out of Washington (or Sacramento, or Olympia, or Madison, or wherever)? Switch to ACC! Too intellectually exhausted to follow the intricate plots twists of your favorite sitcom? Switch to ACC!
ACC will feature specific “blocks” of commercials geared to specific time periods and specific demographics. For example, there will be the Unrealistic Family block, devoted to commercials featuring perfectly groomed children doing completely unrealistic things, like behaving and being quiet. There will be the Screamer block, devoted to those commercials where spokesmen feel compelled to shriek at you for no discernible reason. There will be the Jackass block, devoted to those local commercials for local businesses, using local business owners who shouldn’t be seen in public anyway doing moronic things badly that are intended to be amusing. There will be the Bedazzled block, featuring men who take pills to improve their sex lives and are then compelled to spend the rest of their lives holding hands with the objects of their desire as they sit forever in separate tubs, unfulfilled. There will be the Action block, featuring trained professionals driving shiny new cars you can’t possibly afford much too fast on public streets, sliding through turns, spinning and careening in ways that in real life would get the drivers thrown in prison for the rest of their natural lives. There will be the High Drama block, where actors pretend to be real people having real and perfectly natural discussions about which laxative they use. There will be the geriatric hour, devoted to products for people who have fallen and can’t get up, bathtubs with doors, electric chairs to carry you slowly up and down your stairs, and nursing homes staffed by people who look strangely like Big Nurse Ratched. There will be the Nauseatingly Adorable Children block, featuring heartwarming little children so cute you long to kick them. And finally, the crown jewel in ACC’s programming will be the But Wait! block, featuring every commercial that has ever used the words, “But wait!” This block will be coordinated with the But Wait Museum (location yet to be determined) which will feature all the products ever advertised on television using those famous words.
The genius of this scheme is that all of these advertisers will have to pay me to run their commercials. I’ll be able to entice them in with ridiculously low rates because, of course, I won’t have to pay for any programming. No bothersome network executives for me to deal with, no sleazy studio heads, no troublesome actors throwing tantrums and demanding to be paid. Just commercials.
And maybe then I’ll get to watch the damned news.