The Annals of Country Life, Pornographic Edition

November 21st, 2012 6 Comments

Watching the news these days is enough to send anyone with two functioning brain cells into a spiral of depression. The recent elections, the steady stream of lies from both politicians and the press who are supposed to keep the politicians honest, various factions slaughtering each other in various parts of the world, every mother’s son trying to develop his own atomic bomb, moronic Taliban members shooting little girls because they don’t want to be morons also, drug lords butchering entire families because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time…

 

And then, just about the time you begin to think God really didn’t get it right, you have one of those experiences that give you hope.

 

A bobcat has been working the hill behind our house. We saw him—he looks like a muscular young male—several times today, hunting back and forth through the boulders and oak trees, padding silently along through the tall grass, his camouflage so good he vanished with the mere cessation of movement, then appearing again with just the flick of an ear or turn of head. Cats, all cats, move with such exquisite economy of motion that it’s hard to imagine them ever doing anything clumsy. They occasionally do, of course. I once saw a bobcat make a pounce at some little rodent, miss, fall on his head, and do a complete and completely ungraceful somersault down the slope. But it’s not the norm.

 

I didn’t get down to the barn to clean stalls until late afternoon, and when I finished, I stepped outside and out of the corner of my eye I saw movement in the southwest pasture. It was one of my neighbor’s semi-feral cats hunting gophers. I am greatly in favor of anyone or anything that  hunts gophers on my property, goddamned gophers, the most pernicious pest in the West, undermining fences and pathways and trees and even—or so I’m told—foundations of buildings, killing everything man plants for food or beauty, creating tunnels that cause the horses to stumble, digging homes around the bases of the trees so that watering during the summer months involves endless hours of work with a shovel just to get the water to the damned tree, and reproducing at a rate that is truly awe-inspiring. When they’re not killing my roses, they’re clearly having x-rated bacchanalian orgies on a massive scale. You kill one, and fifty mourning family members come to the funeral, get drunk, and start having indiscriminate group sex. I imagine their burrows as having mirrors on the ceilings, red velvet wallpaper, heart-shaped beds, video equipment, and copies of Fifty Shades of Grey and The Story of O. So my neighbor’s cats are welcome on my property anytime. I stood still by the barn door, not wanting to interrupt him or her in his or her work, and out of the corner of my other eye, I saw movement on the hill, but very close to the house, literally just outside the chain link fence of the dog yard.

 

It was the bobcat again. The two felines were over a hundred yards apart, and unaware of each other’s presence or my presence, so for about five minutes I stood and watched two of the world’s greatest predators going about their crepuscular business and it suddenly occurred to me that perhaps, just possibly, after man has finished with the slow and sordid process of annihilating himself, perhaps there will still be cats going about their sleek and deadly work. That thought cheered me right up. Of course, the damned gophers will still be there too, having sex.

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  1. Anonymous says:

    Happy Hump Day Mr. Parker! I’m sure you were not speaking of Gopher from the love boat or perhaps you might have been? lol. :P As a Muslim I hate it when people take the beauty of my faith and turn it into something dark and horrible. I feel bad for that little girl! It is my choice Islamically to wear the scarf but unfortunately it is the morons that make it difficult for westerners to find the beauty i see in my faith.

    Tena French Halifax, NS Canada

  2. Anonymous says:

    Hm ………

    You read a story and the first thoughts come into your head.My grandmother always said, the first thoughts are the best and the most honest.This time I’m not sure.I hope you forgive me and do not throw me out of your blog. ;-) ;-)

    But with your description of the gophers, I spontaneously think of the earlier cartoons of Walt Disney.The two chipmunks Chip and Dale have Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Pluto brought to despair.This episode I will never forget: the two damned chipmunks have made themselves comfortable in the Christmas tree.Pluto wants to change that but without success.At the end there is a completely ruined Christmas tree and two happy chipmunk.I know gophers are no chipmunks but both can bring one to despair. ;-)

    After my first thoughts now follow the rational thoughts ;-)

    Okay, if this gophers living on my property, I would it probably not find funny.I have read a bit on the Internet about the gophers.They live in underground tunnel systems with really large extent so they can cause considerable damage to the vegetation.Interesting how they protect themselves from rattlesnakes.So it’s good if the cats of all kinds put these gophers on their menus.

    I can only hope, after humanity has destroyed itself………..,that the earth still has enough nature, vegetation, habitat, food and oxygen for the animals if they survive.

    Manuela

  3. Anonymous says:

    Can I write something for Tena,please?

    @Tena
    There are always people,in all faiths,who manipulate other people just to possess power.They put the situation so justly that they believe everything is justified.Senseless wars and senseless murders.But that is not our fault not your and not mine.As long as there are good people in the world like you, JP, Darleen, the other here,our families and many many many others in the world,exists hope for peace in the world.
    You know what is good in your faith,live your faith,okay?

    Manuela

  4. Anonymous says:

    M. Parker, vous avez vraiment beaucoup d’imagination !!!!

    Lorsque je m’occuperai de mon petit jardin et que je m’apercevrai que des taupes auront fait leur galerie sous mes fleurs, je m’imaginerai la famille taupe en train de faire la fête sous des spots et des boules à facettes comme dans une discothèque. Monsieur taupe invitera à danser Madame taupe et tombera amoureux et feront plein de petits bébés taupe !!!!!!

    Grrrrrr, je vais avoir encore plus de trous dans mon jardin !!!!!

    Mais je crois que maintenant ça me fera sourire en me rappelant votre histoire. Je vais m’imaginer ce qui se passe sous nos pieds !!!

    Anita (France)

  5. Anonymous says:

    Manuela you are a beautiful soul thank you!!

    Tena French Halifax, NS Canada

  6. Anonymous says:

    ‘Crepuscular’. I proof read a young friend’s vampire manuscript and found that word which I promptly circled. I asked him if he knew what it meant and he did, which surprised me. It’s one of those words I trip over. I personally am a fan of ‘regurgitation’. I just like the sound of it. I digress.

    You and Bill Murray’s character from ‘Caddy Shack’ obviously have similar feelings towards gophers. After mankind has polished themselves off and the animals are left, the gophers will be an important food source for the cats. Unless of course they mutate, start walking upright, build houses above ground, Then the cats will be doomed too.

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