I have to have shoulder surgery for the umpteenth time. This time they’re going to repair the rotator cuff, sink some screws into one bone, and then—if I understood the doctor correctly—scrape some of another bone away down to the marrow to allow stem cells to work their magic. This is, I believe, a procedure that was developed during the Spanish Inquisition and is still being used today by those fun-loving enforcers in the Mexican drug cartels. I’ve had varying degrees of shoulder surgery before and it is never fun, but that “scraping away” of the bone thing almost made me decide to cancel the whole thing.
But it was the forms I had to fill out that really got my attention. They gave me a big envelope and instructions to return the completed forms on the day of the surgery, so when I got home I opened the thing up and I swear the very first words that caught my eye (they were in bold font, after all) were, “Which is better – a living will or a durable power of attorney?” It then went on to talk about things like, “incapacitated,” “mentally or physically unable to choose or communicate wishes,” “unable to make decisions…”
Uh, excuse me. I thought this was going to be a relatively simple one-day procedure. You know, in and out, done thousands of times, nothing to worry about, routine, piece of cake… Did I miss something? Do you know something I don’t know, doc? Could we maybe talk about this a little, try physical therapy first? Is this part of some long-term scheme you’ve concocted so you can marry my pretty wife and move to the south of France? Has she been upping my life insurance policy? I might be able make do with just one arm after all.
Wow, men can be such babies. Regardless, it’s still a funny story.
Please. It is a well-known, scientific fact that – in terms of pain and suffering – a man coming down with a cold is the equivalent of a woman giving birth. Babies indeed!
JP
Beeing a nurse myself i have seen and filled out these forms a lot ( yes,we do have them over here in Germany as well!)……since i had about 15 operations myself so far(i am 44) ,they don’t really give me the creeps anymore……but you always sign away your life before they do any Operation ( no matter how simple they may be!)these days,well,that’s kinda the way it seems to me anyways…… The doctors even ask,if you have a special form filled out for what they can/cannot do just in case……..and they have to obey it,no matter what.
. Sure hope it’ll help. Andrea
sometimes it does make me feel paranoid,too,and i wonder……..but then i keep telling myself,,it is just so the doctors are on the safe side………..
And so far…………
Good luck with your operation.is it the left or right shoulder if i may ask?and when will you let them do it? I’m gonna keep my fingers crossed for you.
JP I feel the same about my upcoming root canal! Although I am in much better position as the dentist is a friend of mine or should I be paranoid? I wish you much luck in your surgery!!! Will be saying dua (prayer) for a speedy recovery. I hope you have many cheerleaders (friends) there to help you mend. So far no takers for me for my root canal they know i curse too much therefore I will be ahem be put to sleep . Ok now I am paranoid. Let us drive our spouses nuts with our paranoia! I also remember a S&S episode where AJ was under cover in a mental ward and when asked the ward attendant he was informed he was in for paranoia! So go figure JP. Best of luck.
Tena French Halifax, NS Canada
Ahhh, je vois qu’aux Etats Unis ce n’est pas mieux qu’en France !!!!! dès que l’on doit subir une intervention chirurgicale, il faut remplir un tas d’imprimés et donner un tas de renseignements. Il faut donner le nom de la personne à prévenir en cas de problème !!!!! hein ? un problème ???????
Si vraiment votre médecin a décidé d’épouser votre femme et de l’emmener dans le Sud de la France, il a fait le bon choix car il y fait plus beau que dans le Nord où il pleut souvent et où le ciel est souvent gris. Mais vous direz à votre médecin et à votre femme que dans le Nord, on a la réputation d’êtres plus sympathiques que dans le Sud !!! c’est normal, j’y habite
En France on dit « les gens du Nord ont dans le cœur le soleil qu’ils n’ont pas dehors » !!!!!
Et maintenant, bon courage pour votre « grattage » d’épaule !!!!!! « quand il faut y aller, il faut y aller !!!! »
Et puis avec un bras, vous aurez encore 5 doigts !!!! ça sera plus difficile pour taper sur les touches de l’ordinateur, mais c’est faisable
Bien sûr, je plaisante……… revenez-nous vite, en pleine forme et avec autant d’humour.
Anita
Aww, so sorry!! Here in the south, when someone has surgery, illness or a baby we put them on the “prayer list” and several friends and neighbors sign up to bring meals, at least 2 weeks worth. But it sounds like your surgery would qualify you for a least a month of meals. Hope you have good friends and neighbors to help take care of you and your wife while you’re down
If you’re anything like my man, Lord help her 
I have surgery more then once. They will give you another form that list all the possible complications. They also give you one for the anesthesia. I went in for a serious surgery and also for a outpatient surgery. T;hey gave me the forms to sign that listed all the possible complications. The last thing on the list was ” and death.” Death! Believe me at that point I wanted to say please cancel the whole thing! However, the surgery was necessary so I had it. Fortunately, the surgery went well.
P.S. I hope your surgery goes well.
JP:
“Just because you’re paranoid, that doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.” Personally, I’d have a long talk with Darleen…
Actually, I’m not surprised that they sent you home with such a packet. Unfortunately, sometimes things go wrong during surgeries. I’m sure you’ve heard some stories, and the hospital is just trying to CI(ts)A. I wouldn’t be too concerned.
I hope your surgery goes well and that you have better use of your shoulder! (And that “scraping the bone away” gives me the heebie-jeebies, too! I could go a long time without learning that has to be done! “Just do what you gotta do, Doc… I don’t need to know.” lol
“. The government has a secret system: a machine that spies on you every hour of every day. I know because I built it. I designed the machine to detect acts of terror, but it sees everything. Violent crimes involving ordinary people, people like you. Crimes the government considered irrelevant. They wouldn’t act, so I decided I would. But I needed a partner, someone with the skills to intervene. Hunted by the authorities, we work in secret. You’ll never find us, but victim or perpetrator, if your number’s up… we’ll find you”. This is a quote from the Television series
“Person of Interest.” Do you feel paranoid now?
Praying for you. I’m a nurse for the children’s hospital in Jacksonville, Florida Wetake care of adult heart patients preop but I don’t think they will let us do adult orthopedic patients so we will just hope they treat you real good
I will be praying for you.Let us know the date
They won’t give you the good drugs without signing those papers….and you want the good drugs.
See if you can get the nerve block too. Besides, it’s convenient to already have your wishes on file should you ever become “incapaciated,” or “uable to make deicsions” –otherwise, you’ll be leaving those up to your “pretty wife” and the scalpel wielding doctor.
Good luck with your surgery and do ALL your PT.
JJ
You know, JP, I’ve always heard that getting kicked/slammed in the nether region is the male equivalent of giving birth… just sayin’. lol (Although the pain doesn’t last nearly as long… and while many women who give birth don’t mind going through it again, no man I know EVER wants to get nailed in the privates again.)
~ Ciana
http://www.historycaper.com “A Dissertation Liberty and necessity, Pleasure and Pain” by Benjamin Franklin.
Best of luck with surgery! Will be praying for you! Spent some time as an orthopedic nurse many moons ago- still remember what it was like for my patients post-op. Hope you get an ‘angel’ as a nurse to help care for you! It can really make a difference, Of course, the real angel will be Darleen when you are home. (If you are like most of the men I’ve cared for, she’ll probably need a few prayers too;)
Sometimes all the necessary paperwork is worse than the procedure! Reminds me of those commercials on tv that advertise all those wonderful pharmaceuticals out there on the market these days- about 10 sec tells of the benefits, the rest is usually devoted to all the horrible, awful things that can happen to you in addition to (hopefully) being cured. All about the legality!
Good luck with recovery!
~JPM
Good luck JP. Let us know when you go in.
oh boy! All the best for it! Everybody has to sign these papers. And after such kind of surgery I’ll give you the right to weep and complain,….. a cold is something else…….
crossing fingers! will you be able to type or will you hire a sexy secretary to do this for you.
Tanja
The only thing I remember being more painful then child birth was the time I fractured my ankle. Just saying. I was in cast for several months and couldn’t do much or go any where.
I’ve never given birth yet and so far what I hear I don’t want to lol. But sorry to have to say this one for pain is menstration cramps!!! those have got to be the worst pain that any woman can have compared to what pain man has! sorry JP had to say it.
Tena French Halifax, NS Canada
My husband (4 weeks ago he broke his left ankle) sends best wishes, saying:Laughter is a physical exercise of great value to health. Laughter is the best medicine.
He also had to sign, before his surgery, many papers.Luckily he could not think about it.3 hours after the accident happened, he was already in the operating room.
JP,all the best and best wishes for the surgery, to recovery and freedom from pain.
Manuela and husband Andreas
Do you really HAVE to have this surgery, or might them-thar dokterz be LYIN”! Yeah, before I’d let them slice me open and scrape around, I’d get 2nd, 3rd, and 4th opinions! Take it from someone who went without ANY health insurance for decades(couldn’t afford it) and had numerous debilitating injuries/ailments that I didn’t go to any doctor for(couldn’t afford it), the body has an amazing ability to heal itself if you let it!!(for most stuff). Most doctor visits are what I consider piece-of-mind fer rich folks. I admit I’m seriously prejudiced on this subject, but then, I’ve caught doctors, and veterinarians, in too many lies to EVER totally trust them as a species. Perhaps if I knew an honest one personally. Perhaps……I am coming up on my 30th anniversary of the last doctor visit I had–I’m thinking about MAYBE getting a check-up(I have insurance through my work now….). But I’ll likely not believe a word he/she says! And probably die one day from some simple, easily cured ailment because of this mistrust(and/or poverty). But here’s HOPING you get another opinion(or two or three) and find out your shoulder can be managed/fixed less invasively and more holistically. Heck, it’s worth a try…….
Good luck, and best wishes. Hope everything goes well. Just being selfish here, I like your writing, and since it’s usually easier to type with two good hands it’s in my best interests you have them.
Kiti
I was asked if I had a living will or a durable power of attorney the other day and I was only going to get an x-ray!
Good luck and hang in there!
Reid Farmer
I ran across this Buffalo Springfield song “For What’s Worth” you can listen to at http://youtu.be/gpsjcrsxkjy
The song is just as relevant now as it was then.
Right now i am feeling a paranoid just because the doctor want me to go in for an MRI of the brain. You see they want to find what is causing a lot symptoms that I have. Still it is kind of nerve racking.
Hope you are doing better and know you are in my prayers and have been for many years. Had both knees replaced 6 months apart (pain is not easy) I feel for you. Know your loved by many and you have never been forgotten ok. From Debby in Placerville Ca.