March, 2012

(Almost) A Haiku of Praise

March 30th, 2012 4 Comments

Many of the writers whose blogs I follow never take the time to acknowledge the letters they get from their readers. I find this churlish and lacking in the very graciousness and generosity of spirit so many readers show by expressing their admiration for one’s work. Perhaps because I was an actor for so many years, I am not embarrassed to bask in the glow of my fans’ adoring spotlight, and to share their encomiums with other readers. No false modesty here!

 

From Cherie, I received this brief, but cleverly oblique expression of affection and admiration:

 

Fuck your fuck head. I want you cum in my mouth.

 

Dear Cherie,

 

Thank you so much for your kind words! I want you to know how much I appreciate your taking the time to write me. I know how much you must have taxed yourself—intellectually, creatively, even spiritually—to compose those moving words, and I want you to understand how much they mean to me.

 

I am embarrassed to admit that at first, for just an instant, I failed to grasp the subtleties of your writing, but as soon as I finished the entire message I realized the extraordinarily deceptive complexity of your uniform and consistent use of a single overriding metaphorical image to express sentiments that your maidenly modesty might otherwise have prevented you from putting into words.

 

Very few readers, even those who genuinely love and appreciate the author’s work, take the time to express their admiration, especially not in your unique and evocative words. Ah, dear, witty, creative Cherie (Yes! Creative! Because I can sense, reading between the lines—well, between the words, actually—I can sense the creative fire burning within you as you sit at your computer, alone, alone with your Muse!) your sentiments have inspired me to press on in the dark and lonely work so many people fail to appreciate.

 

Sincerely,

 

JP

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The Look

March 27th, 2012 1 Comment

I got the Look from Darleen yesterday.

 

Every married man knows the Look, the Look your wife gives you that makes you consider moving to a Coptic monastery on a bleak and desolate rocky outcropping and taking a vow of celibacy.

 

Maybe not the celibacy part, but you know what I mean. The Look says clearly that the husband in question is mentally negligible. The Look says the husband in question is a feckless wastrel. The Look says her mother was right, she should have married that nice Reed boy down the street, the one who started his own evangelical ministry in Orange County and now has two Bentleys, an Aston Martin, a Lear jet, a thirteen thousand square foot vacation home in Boca Raton, and a fortune in the Cayman Islands, all dedicated to the glory of God.

 

The Look was accompanied by an acid suggestion by my wife that I have a brain like a sieve. I told her, with dignity, she was wrong, that in fact I have a brain like a steel trap, for important things, and that if I ever, occasionally, forget some trifling detail it is because my head is packed full from ear to ear with some of the most beautiful words ever written. And I proved it to her:

 

Oh what a rogue and peasant slave am I!

Is it not monstrous that this player here,

But in a fiction, in a dream of passion,

Could force his soul so to his own conceit

That from her working all his visage waned;

Tears in his eyes, something, something, something

Tumty tumty tumty tumty tum,

Something something something for Hecuba!

 

I get a little fuzzy around that point. It’s been a long time since I did Hamlet.

 

What I forgot was to buy a lottery ticket. No one had won for several drawings, so the prize was up to two hundred and eighty million, or something like that, and Darleen and I had decided that was worth risking a dollar on. I was the one going into town, sooooo…..

 

And I was supposed to buy some milk. I forgot that too.

 

I went online today and checked the lottery website and no one won last night, so now the prize is up to three hundred sixty-some million dollars, but when I pointed out to my little helpmeet that, A) we had saved a dollar by not buying a ticket yesterday (since nobody won), and B) we now had a chance to win some real money instead of the chump change of the previous drawing, she was unmoved. She pointed out I had also forgotten to pick up the mail.

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Just Because I’m Paranoid Doesn’t Mean I’m Not Being Followed

March 24th, 2012 2 Comments

“Paranoia strikes deep,

Into your life it will creep.

It starts when you’re always afraid,

Step out of line, the man come and take you away.”

                   Buffalo Springfield

 

 

The Encyclopedia Britannica announced recently it will cease production of its print version and continue as an on-line version only. I have mixed feelings about this. I understand the finances of the decision, but it makes me just a trifle nervous. It makes me nervous because the day after I heard about that, CNN reported that US Attorney General Eric Holder has approved more extensive surveillance powers over normal guys, regular citizens. Guys like me.

 

Surveillance. Encyclopedia.

 

Oh, come on! Am I the only one who sees the connection here?

 

Books represent knowledge and knowledge is power. (Not all books, of course. Some are mindless garbage, only good for throwing at the cat when she’s chasing the dog.) If the Encyclopedia Britannica becomes an on-line-only entity, what about future dystopian “cleansing?”

 

I know what you’re thinking. If you’re old enough to remember humorist James Thurber (1894-1961, co-author, with E. B. White, of the book with the greatest title of all time: Is Sex Necessary?) you’re thinking poor old Jameson is becoming more and more like Thurber’s aunt, the one who believed electricity “leaked out” of the plugs. Peculiar. That’s the word you’re groping for. But just stay with me for a moment. Hear me out.

 

You and I and practically everyone else have won the Nigerian super-lotto (without even buying a ticket!). And you and I and practically everyone else live in danger of having those winnings and, more to the point, our lives’ savings stolen from us by anonymous internet sharks in the Ukraine or Pakistan or China. Or wherever. Consider the Zeus virus. Consider the Stuxnet virus and how it became a pipe-wrench in Iran’s nuclear ambitions. Consider that merely by writing these words, I have activated an automated computer surveillance program housed in a former bakery in Santa Clara, and that every word I now type is being monitored and screened and analyzed for its hidden meaning, for its secret messages and intricate codes, for impurities, for chemical traces, for controlled substances, for blood stains, for exceeding the speed limit. Google and Amazon and others track our interests and purchases; why not Big Brother?

 

If all knowledge is housed in the precarious and vulnerable realm of cyberspace, and books—like sex—become unnecessary, whoever controls cyberspace controls knowledge. And if someday a particular ideal or concept or activity—like sex—is deemed dangerous or undesirable or unhealthy, why, all our controllers have to do is hit the delete button and allow for a few generations of brainwashing to take effect, and presto! Compared to the efficiency of that kind of mind-control, Fahrenheit 451 becomes positively medieval, and some hacker in Boston or Bahrain or Beijing or Bangladesh will rule the universe.

 

If only I had taken a course in computer programming!

 

In the meantime, I am selling my books on-line, so please download them ASAP. Before they get censored, because you know government agents are scrutinizing every line.

 

Of course, maybe the government agents like my books. Maybe they’re getting caught up in the story. Maybe they like them enough to boost sales. Maybe they’ll write a sizzling review…

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On the Border

March 18th, 2012 5 Comments

There was an interesting piece the other evening on NBC News, with Mark Potter reporting. It was about the drug violence along the US-Mexican border, specifically about the “spillover violence” that is affecting the lives and livelihoods of American citizens along the border. At least, many ranchers and farmers from the Gulf of Mexico to the Pacific claim it’s affecting them. The government, in the person of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, claims the southwest border is, “…one of the safest areas in the United States.” NBC News showed a clip of President Obama poking fun at the people calling for greater security along the border: “Maybe they’ll need a moat. Maybe they’ll want alligators in the moat. They’ll never be satisfied.”

 

I was raised—until her too early death—by an extraordinary black lady back in pre-civil rights Washington, DC and Virginia. I remember the signs: “White Only;” “No Colored.” I remember my family being turned away from a motel one night because the proprietor wouldn’t allow the black lady who shared my bed during childhood illnesses to sleep there. I remember a car full of teenaged boys, called hoodlums in those days, yelling, “Hey, nigger!” as they sped past. So when Barack Obama was elected president I was so incredibly proud of my country, so proud of how far we had come, so full of hope for what might be.

 

But I also know some ranchers along the border in both Texas and Arizona. The ones I know are, to a man and to a woman, the epitome of all that is best about America. They are the living embodiment of what Hollywood tried to portray with John Wayne: fiercely independent, self-reliant, inventive and stoic in the face of adversity, proud, immensely capable and competent over a wide range of skills, and only a fool would question their courage. If those ranchers and farmers are calling for help, it is because they are in serious trouble, and to hear them ridiculed by the government whose primary constitutional mandate is protect them, to hear their fears derided and dismissed, is as offensive to me as it was to hear those words yelled from the window of a speeding car so many years ago. 

 

I remember too the words of an earlier president, when an American citizen was in trouble, as reported by the New York Times: “…in 1904, when a Moroccan bandit named Raisuli kidnapped American businessman Ion Perdicaris, Theodore Roosevelt sent battleships to the region with the instructions: “Perdicaris alive or Raisuli dead.’”

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Love’s Imbrications

March 17th, 2012 2 Comments

I helped a friend gather cattle the other day, and before I left Darleen threw herself into preparations as if I were planning to ride the length of the Pacific Crest Trail. The land my friend leases (he is Dave Ferry, the proprietor of Horsewright Clothing & Tack, listed among my links) is only about fifteen miles from my house, and it’s a small ranch—something over two thousand acres—but Darleen packed bottles of water and more food than I could possibly eat. She worried at me like a terrier because I was only wearing a vest and not taking a coat. She went over a checklist of things I would need to have with me, wanting to know if I had already packed them in the trailer:

 

“Hay?”

 

“Check.”

 

“Saddle?”

 

“Check.”

 

“Saddle blanket?”

 

“Check.”

 

“Perhaps you should take a pad as well. It’s going to be a long day and a lot of riding and you know how steep those mountains are and Snoopy might get back-sore with just the regular blanket…”

 

“Darleen, I’ve got the sheepskin-lined blanket Snoopy and I both need and want.”

 

“Bridle?”

 

“Check.”

 

“Which bit? You know Snoopy gets worked up sometimes and…”

 

The catechism continued.

 

I know and freely admit Dave likes to work straight through and get everything done before taking a break. And I know and freely admit I tend to need regular infusions—like every eight hours or so—of food and water. And I know and freely admit the weather in these mountains can be dramatically fickle, especially in the spring. And I know and freely admit I am sometimes, occasionally, slightly absentminded about some things (usually chores). And I know and agree absolutely with Darleen that caring for the horses is paramount.

 

But…

 

It would be easy—it is easy—to get irritated sometimes with Darleen’s obsessive preparedness for every imaginable and unimaginable contingency and its concomitant implication that her lord and master is incapable of dressing himself without visual aids. I sometimes feel as if I’m going through third grade for the third time. I sometimes have to remind myself I’ve actually taken care of myself—and horses and dogs too—for many a decade, all by myself.

 

But…

 

But these are the imbrications of love. As Elie Wiesel once said, “The opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference.”

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The Hunter’s World

March 13th, 2012 3 Comments

If you should ever be mad enough (as in, “mad, bad, and dangerous to know”) to try and make your living as a writer, the best advice anyone can give you is to read. Read a lot. Read constantly. Read the best stuff you can lay your hands on. Great writers are the best teachers, far better than any university workshop. Think about it: who taught Homer how to write? Who taught Shakespeare? Who taught Fielding, Austen, Dickens, Faulkner… You get the picture. You can even learn a lot about what not to do by reading garbage.

 

In addition to the raft of technical things you can learn to do or not do by reading, great writing can also be a source of inspiration to your own efforts. A felicitous phrase can inspire you to go back and continue banging your head against the keyboard. A specific plot can spark an idea you might not otherwise have thought of. And sometimes a memory will be jarred loose from the storage file.

 

Steve Bodio, who is a very fine writer indeed (his book Querencia is simply breathtaking) recently sent me some material, some of his, some the work of other writers, and memories began to rise to the surface like trout slurping mayflies, three hunting memories in particular, memories that represent the essence of hunting and the essence of the hunter’s world.

 

Deer are the embodiment of grace and elegance. They are, on this continent, the ballroom dancers of the animal kingdom. I was deer hunting in Colorado, and I had spent the morning glassing a likely slope. Very likely, but unproductive, and now in the middle of the day, when deer normally take a break from the rigors of eating, I was forgoing my own siesta to get to another likely spot. I was walking quietly down an old logging road when I saw movement among the trees about fifty yards ahead of me. I froze. The movement evolved gradually into gray, and the gray gradually into a deer. A young buck stepped out of the trees and onto the edge of the bank on the uphill side of the road. He was walking slowly and casually, no urgency, no rushing to or from anything. He glanced down at the bank below him, took a step, and fell flat on his face before rolling ass over teakettle down the slope and ending up in an undignified tangled heap on the road. It was one of the most spectacular pratfalls I have ever seen. Jerry Lewis would have been envious. Chevy Chase could have taken his correspondence course. Laurel and Hardy would have been proud.

 

I know we’re not supposed to anthropomorphize. I know arrogant and cold-blooded scientists tell us animals are incapable of the range of emotions we glorious and unique humans can feel, but I have seen dogs and horses show clearly affection and rage, sorrow and joy, curiosity and terror, selfishness and selflessness, and this deer now showed embarrassment as plain and obvious as the antlers on his head. He scrambled to his feet and shook himself. He looked left and he looked right. He glanced over his shoulder and then peered down the slope on the other side of the road. He shook himself again, hooked his thumbs in his suspenders and strolled down the road whistling casually in one of the most nauseatingly phony displays of nonchalance I have ever seen.

 

Also in Colorado, on one of those typical fall days when the air is crackling cold but the sun is so warm you find yourself dozing off, I was sitting among some boulders at the top of a slope of scree. I had been watching a small herd of elk, one big bull, one immature spike, four cows, but they had ambled off to parts unknown and I was letting the sun work its magic on me when I heard a squeak. I opened my eyes and saw a chipmunk making his way toward me through the rocks. He darted about in the erratic starts and stops typical of chipmunks until he got to my boot. Then he stopped and stood up on his hind legs. He examined the sole of my boot closely. He moved to one side and looked long and hard at that. Then he moved to the other side and checked that out. Then he climbed up onto the toe of the boot and gazed at the surface beneath his feet. He seemed to sense all was not as it should be in his world. Then he saw my face.

 

Of all the reactions in the world I might have expected from a chipmunk, the last one was anger. That chipmunk was furious. He put his hands on his hips and began to ream me out thoroughly. He cursed me up one side and down the other. He shook his fist. He anathematized my character, my morals, my ancestors, my face, and my presence in his zip code. He flipped me the bird. He said things about my mother I wouldn’t have tolerated from a man. He practically danced in rage. How long he might have kept it up I don’t know, but I began to laugh and he remembered he had better things to do in other places.

 

The final memory is of a painfully cold late season hunt in Montana, the kind of cold where you shamelessly steal other people’s clothes and consider murdering your fellow hunters for even more clothing. I had put on everything I could lay my hands on and I would have worn the bathmat, only it was damp. I had climbed up through the snow on a mountainside dotted with pines, and paused to catch my breath where a pine grew crookedly up out of a jumble of boulders. The air had the crystalline clarity you get in the West on winter days and I was enjoying the view and wondering if I would ever feel my feet again, when I realized I was not alone. Angling up the trail below me were a snowshoe hare with the kind of weasel sometimes called an ermine in pursuit, both white animals barely visible in the snow. They were only about three feet apart and that distance remained constant as they got closer and closer, but it was clear—or at least it seemed so to me—the hare was going to lose. Why did I think that? Was it something to do with the hare’s quality of desperation in its flight? Was there something so resolute, so formidable and indefatigable about the ermine?

 

I like rabbits. They move into the hay room in my barn during the winter and get so used to my presence that unless I actually go over to tear off a flake of oat hay they act as if I weren’t any more of a threat than the horses or the wheelbarrow. They practically laugh at my poor dog’s earnest efforts to catch them. And here was an incomparably beautiful one running for its life. They kept coming, the hunter and the hunted along the trail at my feet, so close that I could have reached out my hand and caught the hare, or simply lifted my foot and blocked the ermine and altered whatever the pre-ordained outcome might have been.

 

I did neither. I watched them as they passed. I could see tiny puffs of breath from both mouths. I could see both of them at the last instant register my presence and continue on. I imagined I could hear their hearts pounding. I did nothing to change the course of nature.

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Kiss Me, I’m Irish!

March 9th, 2012 2 Comments

I discovered a kinsman recently.

 

John Jeremiah Sullivan (and is that not a grand and wonderful name!) wrote a piece for the “New York Times Magazine” entitled, My Debt to Ireland, that captures the uniquely Irish sense of connection to an unknown land and unknown past. He’s not really a kinsman, of course, except that he’s Irish, he’s a writer, and he’s named Sullivan, and anyone with a drop of Irish blood is automatically related to everyone else with the same drop of green in their veins, and any two people with a connection to the name of Sullivan are obviously even more closely related, and since his family’s occupation by birthright is writer (his father was the sportswriter Mike Sullivan) and my family’s occupation by birthright is also that of writer (my mother was a writer, and her father, Mark Sullivan, was one of the most famous writers in American in the early part of the twentieth century), why, we’re practically brothers. Or at least cousins.

 

I say uniquely Irish, but I don’t know if that tendency really is unique to the Irish. Perhaps other American immigrants—Ukrainians, say, or Koreans, or Norwegians—also cling to a romanticized past, but no one writes about it or talks about it or thinks about it or romanticizes it as much as the Irish. We, the descendents of a cruelly oppressed and marvelously resilient and courageous people, tend to worship the past in all its forms—ancestors, history, religion, superstition, geography, literature, music, art, pain, loss, love, hate, triumph—and John Jeremiah Sullivan captures that stubborn refusal to forget in his opening paragraph.

 

His blood memory of Ireland begins as a child, with his father reading James Joyce’s short story, “The Dead,” out loud to him in a basement office in Indiana reeking with the smell of cigarettes and with cat urine that has soaked into the stuffing of an old chair his father won’t throw away, “…because it belonged to his father.”

 

That is so Irish on so many levels it’s mind-boggling. Who else but an Irishman would:

 

Read out loud to a six or seven year old boy one of the most sophisticated and subtle short stories ever written?

 

Read it with such delight in the language that certain words and phrases would stick in the boy’s mind decades later?

 

Write his own stories in a basement office reeking with cigarette smoke and cat urine?

 

Desperately hang on to a ruined chair because it evoked the memory of the beloved dead?

 

Weave a mythology of a distant place and vanished time to small boy?

 

Unconsciously, perhaps, imitate even the externals of one of Ireland’s greatest and most revered writers, the author of the story being read, by squinting with his one good eye at the page in front of him (both James Joyce and Mike Sullivan were blind in one eye and had bad vision in the other)?

 

I too was raised on that mythology, so that people who died forty years or even a hundred years before I was born are as real to me as people I see and speak to regularly. Frequently more real, and always more colorful.

 

Consider the following anecdote which was passed on to me in different permutations and with different protagonists. (Here I have conflated my mother’s version with the one in my grandfather’s autobiography, “The Education of an American,” but it would work as well in almost any generation from the Potato Famine to World War Two.)

 

In 1903, after graduating from Harvard, my grandfather went to Ireland for the first time and took a walking trip through the southwestern hills where both his father and his mother had been born: County Cork and Bantry Bay, Kanturk and Killarney, Ballyvourney and Banteer. He was armed with letters of introduction to various relatives on both sides and in some small village found a lawyer who was a distant relative of his mother’s, who told him of another, closer relative living nearby. She was ninety-six, but still sharp as a fox, and the lawyer offered to take him to meet her.

 

Whitewashed cottage, thatched roof, peat fire, the old woman standing in the doorway, erect and vigorous, staff in her hand, ruddy as a winter apple, blue eyes piercing and shrewd, as the lawyer launched into a lengthy genealogy: so-and-so begat so-and-so who married so-and-so and begat so-and-so who had a brother who begat so-and-so who moved to America and begat so-and-so… And though it all the old woman, silent, looking my grandfather up and down, until at last the lawyer ground to a halt. Then she looked my grandfather in the eye.

 

“Aye. I have ye now. Ye’re one of thim Haleys. There was always bad blood in thim Haleys.”

 

And the door was slammed shut.

 

My mother’s and grandfather’s evident delight in the incident was greatly increased by the fact that nowhere, on either side of my great-grandfather’s or great-grandmother’s families was there any connection of any kind to anyone named Haley. And that’s a shame. Wouldn’t it be a fine and romantic thing to be linked directly to some dark and bloody moment in the past, the glint of moonlight on a knife blade, a scream in the dark, a stolen horse, a stolen wife, a hanging? Perhaps that’s just the Irish in me, but that bad blood and that fierce old lady resonate in my imagination in ways that are more intriguing to me than any reality.

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AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!!

March 3rd, 2012 4 Comments

DISCLAIMER

The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the author of this blog while sober. It is the conviction of the author that it is not possible for anyone with the brains God gave a golf ball to follow American politics without occasionally resorting to serious, professional-level, competitive drinking and, during an election year, not just occasionally.

 

Remember Peanuts? Remember when Charlie Brown would get frustrated about something he would throw his head back and scream, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!!”

 

If I ever decide to write a blog exclusively about politics, I shall entitle it AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!!

 

It makes no difference which side of the political spectrum you’re on, no matter what your political beliefs may be, every aspect of our government at work (HA!) resembles a moronic, bumbling, slapstick sitcom, minus the good intentions.

 

Inspired (if I may use that word under these depressing circumstances) by some of the more, shall we say, colorful antics of our duly elected public servants and those who wish to be such, I have decided to make my fortune by marketing the following line of T-shirts. These will all be made in America.

 

Front: Congress?

Back: You’re fired.

 

Front: What’s the difference between a politician and a cockroach?

Back: Absolutely nothing.

 

Front: Make America safer.

Back: Parole violent criminals and jail congress.

 

Front: Due to recent budget cuts…

Back: …the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

 

Front: Get America back to work.

Back: Outsource congress to China.

 

Front: Exercise your democratic rights.

Back: Vote ‘em all out.

 

Front: Show your gratitude. Take your senator on vacation.

Back: To Aruba.

 

Front: Show your gratitude. Buy your senator a cruise.

Back: On an Italian ship.

 

If you have any suggestions for catchy slogans, let me know. Slogans advocating murder, mayhem, and dismemberment will not be posted, however much they may be enjoyed.

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