I got a little crazy the other night.
I was exhausted and had a headache and all I wanted was to watch some boxing or some great old movie on television, but there was nothing, absolutely nothing, I wanted to watch. And then a curious thing happened. Scrolling through the two-hundred some channels of the kind of mind-numbing moronic pabulum George Orwell warned us all about, I found myself gravitating to various reality television networks showing severely dysfunctional people, families, and businesses as entertainment. And suddenly it hit me: Create your own network! I realized I had a prime opportunity to make myself a bazillionaire if only I could come up with a topic guaranteed to be of interest to large numbers of people, and then create mindless and tasteless television shows around that topic. And what topic could possibly be of more interest to more people than death?
What follows is my official and confidential prospectus. I will be establishing a PayPal account for those of you who wish to get in on the ground floor and invest in this guaranteed money-maker.
Note: the following prospectus is confidential. Reading it implies a tacit agreement of confidentiality.
The Fine Dying Network
A television network guaranteed to be of “significant interest” (according to a Joseph G. MacGruder & Associates, Inc. nationwide poll) to virtually 100% of potential viewers!
A television network that harnesses the fascination and curiosity of over 306 million people!
(Based on current population estimates by the US Census Bureau, but with a worldwide potential viewing audience of billions!)
A television network that offers viewers of all ages entertaining and informational programming focusing on one of the most fascinating and compelling interest areas of 92% of potential viewing respondents – Death! (Source: Joseph G. MacGruder & Associates, Inc. polling services)
A television network with 24-hour programming focused on all aspects of Death and Death-related events:
Marking Time! – a lighthearted romp through headstones and mausoleums around the world, focusing on different areas of interest: elaborate family resting places; witty and amusing epitaphs; unusual designs and materials; the above-ground graveyards of New Orleans; the catacombs of Paris, Rome, the Vatican City, and many, many more!
Ah, Sweet Mystery of Death! – a serious look at how different cultures around the world face Death and treat the dying, an informative but entertaining look at the end of the road.
The Comforting Ritual! – funeral services and rituals throughout history; in different countries and different cultures; how different religions and cultures bury, burn, or otherwise dispose of their dead. Informative and educational!
A Live Eye For the Dead Guy! – expert advice on how to portray the image you want of yourself for the last time – for eternity! What to wear, hair styles, how to coordinate your clothes with your casket, makeup tips, and so much more!
Where to Rest? – An insider’s guide to the toniest and most exclusive cemeteries in America.
Suicide, Getting It Right the First Time! – informational programming geared for those states with assisted-suicide laws, but with interest and information for all viewers.
Caskets On A Dime! – practical, down-to-earth advice on how and where to buy an affordable casket, for yourself or a loved one! Covering the whole range of economic options from CostCo and other big-box chains to private mortuaries with reasonable prices. A program designed to help you make those practical decisions balancing need and want.
Caskets To Die For! (sister program) – Where to find the most expensive, the most gaudy, the most egregious, the most luxurious, the most pretentious, the caskets that will make your neighbors die of envy!
Final Resting Places of the Rich and Famous! – a worldwide tour of famous grave sites, from Marilyn Monroe to Al Capone, from Napoleon to Elizabeth the Great, from King Tut to Mumtaz (“Taj”) Mahal, visit all your favorites in the comfort and privacy of your own home!
Whither? – A panel of experts from all major denominations will discuss where we go in the next life and how to prepare for that destination.
The Iron Mortician! – competitive embalming, with morticians racing each other and the clock, the results to be judged by a panel of experts and at least one celebrity (to be named)!
The Iron Surgeon! – competitive, last-ditch-last-hope surgeries on terminally-ill patients, with celebrity surgeons competing against themselves and the clock and, above all, with Death himself! (Patients who do not survive will be eligible for appearance on The Iron Mortician.)
And much, much more – 24-hours a day of entertainment and information on the many diverse aspects of the topic that affects all of us! High-stakes competition, re-enactments of famous deaths, funniest home videos, all of it hosted by celebrities, top models, internationally recognized sports figures, and famous experts in their field.
The Fine Dying Network will:
Create the first national entertainment brand focused on Death and the Funeral Industry.
Target virtually everyone! 100% of the general population identified themselves as being likely to die.
Of those, out of 105 million households, over 60% expressed a very high interest in death, and an additional 36% expressed some interest!
The demographics of those expressing interest in The Fine Dying Network are representative of the general national population.
Respondents had very clear emotional reasons for their interest in watching:
*Make them smarter about a topic of interest
*Be entertaining and fun to watch
*Be great family viewing
Respondents see this channel as solid “infotainment”!
Has unlimited economic possibilities! (The funeral services industry alone has a direct economic impact of over $150 billion!
Has direct appeal for the families, heirs, and survivors of the approximately 2.5 million people who die every year in America alone!
Research shows that every household in America either has experienced or expects to experience a death at some point in the future, indicating a significant potential for attracting a large number of paying viewers.
Our Programming Strategy:
Our network is designed to appeal not only to the millions of Americans who are dying, but to the entire population, because, let’s face it, we all gotta go!
The programming is assembled to include a balanced view of Death.
By keeping the daily programming predictable and consistent, we can ensure the content provides value to each individual.
If interested we will forward a NDA (non-disclosure agreement) and upon its receipt we will mail you your own PowerPoint Presentation.
We look forward to hearing from you about this once in a lifetime (you should pardon the expression) investment opportunity before it’s too late!